Suffering

When Will We Get There, My Lord?

The valley…

It’s been long and painful for myself and a good deal of people around me right now. People that I love dearly. Not to sound bleak or depressing, because there are glimpses of light here and there. And I know all of life’s seasons won’t be as trying as this one.

But, damn.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a poem during perhaps my biggest crisis of faith thus far. One day, I’ll be able (and allowed) to share so much more with whoever reads these things, but for now… for now, a glimpse into the desperate recesses of my heart.

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A thousand times and then some more, my soul gives out and You carry it across these deserts and through scorched valleys. 

When will we come to water, my Lord?

These glimpses feel like mirages dried up like the dust, and just as the dust forms spinning cones, so my head is a storm. And when the storm comes through, it levels my heart and all of it’s towers. I have more than one  tower of Babel, my Lord. But of course, you know it to be so. 

Sure, I’ve asked You to make it new, but never I imagined it to be such an occasion as this. What a devastation to the actual soul that sits in my bones somewhere between my spirit and my flesh. 

This is far too much to bare, and just like my towers, You know this to be true as well. Which is why You stand waiting for the candle’s flame to die out. For You scoop up the ashes, as black and lifeless as they are, and You carry them with your hands across the land of death and into a new place, a place I’ve not been before. 

When will we get there, my Lord?

Grace, Love and Suffering

If someone were to ask me to describe the gospel in three short parts, this is how I think I would describe it. I decided to make a graphic for it to look at all the time, reminding me that I really do need the gospel every single day.

If I could get these words or something similar tattooed to my eyelids so that I would be able to see them when I woke up and immediately begin to pray for these things, I would. Starting the day off with completely surrendering to Jesus everything I want and know and feel ABSOLUTELY makes a difference in how my day goes, whether it’s a rough day or not. It shapes my thoughts, actions and feelings for the whole day, and I am overall more aware of the holy spirit and what he is saying.

Not sure what this kind of prayer looks like? Here’s how mine usually goes.

God,

I surrender today.

Right now, I die to my desires, my opinions, my control, my ________.

Show me Your grace that you have for me today, and help me to accept it.

Give me the love I need to love the people around me today, and give me the courage to open up my mouth and have conversations.

I don’t want to suffer, but I know that suffering is a part of this whole deal. You tell me in your word that suffering is essential to my relationship with Jesus, for my growth, and ultimately for my good, so help me to understand that and find comfort and rest in you and joy that you are working out all the garbage in this life. When I experience pain and grief, be there with me.

Thank You so much for being my Father. I love you.

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