strength

Music Monday: Who I Am

So as I’ve shared recently, running (or trying to run) has been a mountain I’ve been trying to conquer. When viewed with the right lenses and for the right reasons, health is really important to me. Unfortunately, we all know how difficult it is to keep our sights set on why we need to be healthy in the first place.

For me, I am not able to successfully be healthy if my goal is to make myself happy or to please Daniel. I have always and will forever fail if those two reasons are why I do anything. It just proves so hard how human I am. When I am able to believe that striving for healthy living is for God and his glory, then the success comes. Again, it’s difficult.

Some days I’ve truly got it. And some days I don’t feel God and I’d rather sit on the couch and eat an entire bag of Pirates Booty.

An album, and more specifically a certain song reminds me of why I do anything in the first place, and helps me see myself differently.

Life In Your Way’s Kingdoms, which is an album comprised of three EP’s (The Kingdom of Man, The Kingdom of Darkness and The Kingdom of God) , is something you NEED to listen to, especially if you are into melodic hardcore. But even if you’re not, give it a listen.

My favorite EP of the three part album is The Kingdom of God. On there is a song called “Who I Am”… and good grief.

It’s funny, because every time I’m running and contemplating giving up, this song starts playing through my Nike running app. It’s starts off with an intense, “THIS IS WHO I AM…” You know in Super Mario Kart, those question marks you run into that sometimes give you a super boost and you blast by all of the other guys? That’s what happens to me when this song comes on. It somehow gives me the power to believe who I really am, versus who I’ve made myself out to be in my own mind.

He doesn’t see what I see, He doesn’t see what you see.
He sees my destiny and calls me to be a son.

I seriously get teary eyed every time I reach this part of the song. You know why this is motivating? Because it’s true. And even though I don’t quite understand fully what God sees in me, I know He sees it. I’m so grateful because if my worth was solely left up to me, well then I would just be a sad girl all the time.

This is going to sound stupid and girly, but it also helps me get past what I see in the mirror. Like it or not, we all have issues with what stares back at us. You could have a slammin’ hot bod, and still find something that unsettles you. No matter how much physical beauty we think we’ve accomplished, it is just never enough. Most of the time, I feel like the grossest person ever. I could name off at least 20 things I’d have different on my body. Now, hear me. This is not a call for shallow compliments, because that will never be what satisfies my soul. And please don’t tell me how I just have to “love myself.” I refuse to trade in the sin of self-loathing for the sin of pride. It’s a battle most of us (both men and women) will fight every day, and we could blame it on all kinds of things. Media, childhood, food, friends, etc.

But the reality is, He sees none of that crap. He sees what He has made, what He is cultivating, and ultimately what He will finish. That pushes me. That gives me that last shred of energy to go one more mile. That allows me not to look in the mirror and smile, but to walk passed it completely and not even worry about it. It helps me choose to love others, even when they severely piss me off. It gives me the strength I desperately need to be a better wife, mom and person.

This is who I am, by the power of the risen death and what You’ve done.
This is who I am, all I’ve been and who I’ve become.

 

 

More Than The Song I Sing.

I need God.

I need even more of Him.

More and more….and even more.

It’s a scary but also a weight lifting reality to be unveiled from the illusion that I don’t need God. I NEED HIM. For His help. His comfort. His understanding. His mighty hand. His death and life through the son. His grace. His humility. His strength. His hope. His wisdom. His truth. His courage. His discernment. His patience. His fellowship. His joy. His wild ideas and his huge calls. His whole and complete love.

Do you see? All good things come from the Father.

Without Him, I can only have specters of such things.

This truth makes me want to burst. The passion, the compassion it creates. Oh friends, it is overwhelmingly sweet.

See, when I come to this place, when I get a glimpse of such complete unity with my Creator….. I just want everyone to know. I want everyone to have Him, to hold on to Him and to be held by Him.

I think about all the people I’ve passed by; all those souls I’ve written off, whether it be for my lack of faith or because of my overflow of selfishness.

I think about high school. All of the friends and spectators who were put in my path. Everyone who saw something in me, but never got to hear what that “thing” was all about.

I think about my best friends, their struggles, and my blatant apathy towards them.

I think about my family members who know nothing of grace but only of abandonment, rejection, bitterness and self-service. And my fear of them not wanting anything to do with me.

I think about my communities past, present and future. All of the broken pieces, the wandering and the dead bones.

Thankfully He is a God that cannot be tamed, and what He wants will surely come to pass. So perhaps all of the ones I’ve passed by have, are and will get to thirst after and taste reconciliation and restoration, and just a bit of His glory.

I know that some of those reading this are not about God or religion or Christianity. I’m o.k. with that. Please, don’t write me off. We are all apart of this big beautiful painting. Lets live this life together, whether you’re here in Lake City, Florida or you live clear across the globe.

Please, ask me any question. All the questions. Stir up the wells and the deep waters. Lets dance in the rivers and carry each other through the scorching desserts.

Go, and be encouraged this Monday morning. You are not alone.

Hallelujah.