Life

Crying.

I am uncomfortable and a little scared to start this post, which means it’s probably something I definitely have to write.

My mind goes blank when it knows it has to do something it doesn’t want to do, so I figured I’d just start it off by telling the truth about that.

There. The beginning is out of the way now. I started.

I’ve noticed something about people, and while there are a few exceptions to the rule, pretty much the general consensus seems to be that crying equals weakness. And we’d rather be damned than look weak. I’ve been a part of many conversations where a person is sharing something painful, and wants to cry, but can’t. They’ve shut that useful tool down a long time ago. I’ve even had several people tell me that they don’t want to cry because they don’t want pity, or to come across as weak. People just flat out say it.

What’s funny to me is that we are completely blind to the illusion that we are strong to begin with.

Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with this too. And while I am more comfortable with crying in front of others than a lot of people, I still hide it or force myself to swallow it, because I too believe the lie that I’ve got it handled. This comes into play when I’m around Daniel. It is excruciatingly difficult to cry in front of my husband.

Last night I was sitting at the computer, working on an overwhelming amount of Beard Sauce orders after a hectic week of helping my mom and brother move up here, Thanksgiving and Black Friday madness. For some reason I really wanted to listen to Miley’s Wrecking Ball song.

Side note: I know several of you just judged me so hard. But it’s one of the most honest songs I’ve heard in a really long time. For some reason, when celebrities or musicians “act out” or “go crazy”, Christians seem to feel entitled to judge them just as harshly as everyone else does, and it runs rampant on Social Media . Keep in mind that our right to our grace-less opinions died when we decided to pick up our crosses and follow Christ. That’s just as much for me as it is for anyone else, and I apologize for being a judgmental a-hole in the past just to get a laugh.

So, like I said, I was listening to Wrecking Ball, and I just started weeping. The first time I watched the music video, it was also the first time I had heard the song. It made me tear up then, but last night…

I process pain with two things: by listening to music and crying. I’ve been that way my whole life. The song pushes down on the nerve, causing incredible pain and forcing me to feel. Crying is a release of all the emotions and thoughts that have been stuck. When it’s over, I feel light and clear.

It’s a beautiful process, really. But I will subconsciously refuse to listen to music a lot of the time (even though it’s my favorite thing in the world) because I know what it’s going to do to me, and I don’t feel like being “weak.”

It’s not necessarily the content of the song that got me. It’s the fact that a human being is being verbal about how another human being destroyed her.

We destroy each other.

I’ve seen a lot of that lately, more specifically with my family. Evils I didn’t really believe in or understand until now are a part of my life.

Demons whisper lies into our ears, and we believe them. Then we tear each others hearts out, and leave the souls of our victims choking for life.

We wonder why people uses harsh substances to get through the day.

And while I have hope that the lights will be turned back on and souls will be restored, it doesn’t change the fact that there’s a lot of darkness hanging out right now.

We are all weak, every last one of us. Crying is an act of submission. It means that we’d rather do the uncomfortable thing that might help us gain a little bit of freedom. You can be an emotional person (like myself) and cry a lot, and still refuse to submit when it really counts. Even though I cried a lot last night, I didn’t do it in front of Daniel and I didn’t even tell him about it. I hid it, and I want to confess that. He’s the person I should be the most comfortable being weak in front of, but when you grow up not being able to trust anyone that’s supposed to love you, that’s kinda difficult.

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. –Romans 8:25-28

I always think about these verses when I am so filled with sorrow and I’m crying so hard that there are no words to be said.

So, I don’t know, that’s what I’ve got today. I have no idea how to end this one as much as I had no idea how to start it.

Why don’t you cry?

 

Oxymoron: An Organized Creative

I’m a creative. I dream and scheme and write things everywhere. I’ll draw on any surface I can find if I have to get something out of my head, and I’ll stop what I’m doing to sing a song that I randomly started writing mentally. I’m good at rallying people around an idea, and I enjoy bringing people together through common ground.

I’m a creative. And I’m fantastically unorganized and inefficient. I lose everything and forget stuff easily, because my mind is a non stop windmill of thoughts. I often fail to follow through on things and get overwhelmed by the pressure of my character and what comes with it.

This is a problem. I’m a business owner now, and, oh yeah…. I’m an adult. I have a family and responsibilities. I’m a leader in my church community, and I wanna be effective. I’m a musician that actually wants to get my dang music into a physical form that people can listen to. I got a lot of -ish goin’ on, and because of my “creative” tendencies, my life is mostly a disaster.

So, I’ve been trying to change that. I want to be organized, no matter how against the grain it feels for me. Here’s some of what I’ve been doing. If you’re like me, you should try these things too.

Getting Things Done

Read this book. This man came up with a very hands on formula that helps you 1) get EVERYTHING out of your head and 2)organize it in a way that will facilitate getting everything that was in your head done.

Mini Composition Notebook

 

This is a tiny composition notebook, and the pages rip out very easily. It was only $1 at Office Max. I keep this in my purse, and as soon as I get a thought or an idea, I write it on a piece of paper. Even if it’s something like you need to get bobby pins from CVS, write down “Bobby Pins” on a piece of paper. Now it’s out of your head, and you can trust that it will get done because that piece of paper isn’t going to forget it.

Organizing Tasks

 

I made a little system next to my desk that organizes my tasks from most importance to least importance. I bought a project notebook from Walmart ($2.97), clips from Office max ($2.00 for a pack of 8) and little number tabs from the Target dollar bins, and put up four push pins on my wall. Each piece of paper has the title of my task, and the steps I need to take to get it done. I then number them according to their importance (whether that be because of time deadlines or because I just really want to do them) and then hang them up. Now I’m not stuck standing in the middle of my house trying to figure out what I should do first. I’m not even kidding when I tell you that I have literally stood in the center of my living room, petrified and not knowing what to do because I couldn’t articulate in my head what should get done first. Without organization, everything feels like it’s the most important.

What system do you have in place to keep yourself organized? Does it work? What about it can you change to make it better?

A Little Thrift in November.

I try to stay away from the local thrift stores in my town so as to not spend all of my money ALLLL the time. I just really enjoy thrift shopping! But this morning I treated myself to a little bit of thrifting, and I found so many good treasures.

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The canvas that says “Home Sweet Home” had a little note on the back that said “From: Marg, To: Sister Betty, 1979″. It’s the sweetest.

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That plate is one of the prettiest pieces of kitchen ware I’ve ever seen. It was only $1!

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Check out these two ol’ grumpy men. I’ve started collecting owls, and I’m thinking I might spray paint them all one color once I have a large collection. Or maybe just leave them, who knows.

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This is my favorite find of the day. I wish there were several others, so that I could use some for gifts and keep one for myself.

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Old Christmas pitcher! This bad boy is going to be my iced coffee’s home for the holidays.